I’ve always felt happy and contented even without the things I thought I needed to feel complete. I’ve always been a strong girl. I’m flexible and driven. But I never thought that at some point, I would have this kind of feeling. As if I were covered by a gloomy atmosphere.
Why am I feeling emptiness at this moment? I feel so empty, dull and lonely. I feel so alone as if I;m not surrounded by my family and friends that I dearly love. But there is something inside of me, searching for that extraordinary feeling. It’s as though that something is sure and knows what it’s looking for and what it’s needing of.
It’s late and I’m still wide awake. Well, I have always been a late sleeper. I cannot say that I’m an insomniac but it’s just that I’m not used to sleeping early.
Nights like this, silent and of course, sleepless makes my mind think of things the most. It makes me think shit load of questions I don’t even know how or what to answer. It’s when a time like this makes me wonder and fantasize of stuff. It’s when a time like this that millions of ideas strike me and all I have to do is get a paper and a pen to start writing like what I’m doing now. (After writing it, here I am typing all of it here) This time, LOVE hit me.
“So what do you do when you suddenly fall in love with a person but you realize that you’re not yet ready?” I always ask myself though I don’t really know how to answer it because that question is a matter between the heart and mind. My heart tells me that I’m ready for a new love and to open up again but my mind tells me I should not yet. My mind is tricky. It will make ways and think of negative possibilities that will scare my poor heart out. And that’s it, my mind wins.
Most of the time, I hate sleepless nights like this. I can’t sleep because of the questions that keep bugging my brain. “Why is it that every time I put myself out there, I always get hurt?” I wonder why. It’s another unanswered question. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that makes guys keep on hurting me, giving me false hopes and broken promises. Is it because I’m too nice to make them keep treating me that way? Or is it because I’m playing hard to get? I don’t really know. These are times when I think of the people I care the most and the people who care for me as well. Why do the people who love you, care for you and trust you got to live so far?
Those random questions, they just pop out whenever they want. Part of these silly thoughts is fantasizing about stuff. Of course, I’m a girl and just like any other girls, I daydream too. Do you ever think about your soul mate? Mr. or Ms. Right? Or whatever you like to call it. Often times, I think about it. I think of when will I be able to finally meet him. I’m just excited to meet him though I know it will take me long years to meet him. I’m just curious of what he looks like, how tall is he, what his eye color does he have, or if we can get along very well.
It’s difficult for me to describe my thoughts at a certain time because I’m describing them with hind sights and I can always justify my actions. The truth is, I was always hopeless at knowing when I was in love because I was in love in the whole idea of being in love. I read romantic novels. I cried at chick-flicks. I loved the stolen shots in magazines of celebrity couples who were supposed to be in love even though I knew they would probably split up a few months later. There was a core of me which was a romantic idiot and it was much, much better for me to ignore that side of me completely.