The Butterfly In Me

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To free yourself is far better than to be locked up in your own misery. That’s what I believe in.

I guess, regret will always really have to come late. Regret will never come before you make your decisions because if that was possible, people would really never learn their lessons from their mistakes because then, they would never feel the hurt and disappointment and all. Sometimes, I try to ask myself, “Why did I have to do this? Why did I have to do that? If only I knew this would happen then I never would have done it and be stuck in this situation right now.” I constantly search for answers but up to now, no answers are found. I always fail to find the answer deep inside me. I guess, it will always remain unanswered. Some people might say that it’s a choice to be made because nothing is really “unintentional”.

I have this problem where I pity myself, where I just cry myself at night feeling miserable, feeling sorry and feeling bad about myself. I’m not confident and I have a really low self-esteem. Like, if I would walk in the crowd, I would be slouching and bowing my head and would start walking awkwardly. Sometimes, when talking in front of many people, I tend to show my mannerisms in forms of swaying a bit while talking, or gazing in different directions, playing with the tip of my hair and it’s like I’m struggling to utter words. I just let people treat me like crap and make me feel like crap.

Problems in life can’t be avoided. Like, it’s just normal. But I’m different. I like to keep this image of a happy girl, smiling when she’s really struggling deep inside. I like keeping my problems to myself. Like, I would listen to my friends’ problems and try to give them the best advice I could ever give but the problem with me is that I don’t know how to share mine. My logic is that, I don’t want to be a burden to other people by sharing my crap to them because they are also dealing with their own crap. So I just tend to keep things to myself. At first I thought I could handle it like it was okay and it was working at first. But I felt the need to lie, and lie, and then lie again, then cover up and make dumb excuses which unconsciously, without me knowing, I was starting to hurt the only few people that truly loves me. I was scared to get hurt and to disappoint people but I didn’t know that I was already hurting them by doing this. I’m like a caterpillar inside a cocoon, just waiting for the time when to come out. I just like to keep my wall of defense, and build taller walls and keep the gates close because I feel safer inside while I let those people knock down my walls with crushed and bleeding fists. I never thought that they would get tired and eventually stop smashing and banging my walls. And that was the only time I woke up from reality.

So, it’s really true that you’ll never know the real value of the thing or a person that you’ve taken for granted until you’re about to lose them. It has been a wakeup call for me. That’s when I felt the need to beg for people to not leave me and promised them that I will change for the better, not only for them but most importantly for myself. Now, I’m ready to be myself and not pretend to be someone else. I will not let anyone influence me and dictate me about what I should do. I will start being brave and strong for the people that I love. I will destroy my wall of defenses and open the gates and build a bridge instead. I will not lie in order to not get hurt and disappointed because it’s a part of the lesson to be learned. Says the quote that I found in the internet, “Today, I am going to let my burdens go and I am going to have faith that things will get better. It’s going to be a long road but I will get there.”

Now, I can finally say that I’m free. I can now get out of this cocoon and fly freely like a beautiful butterfly.

 

Long Distance Relationships

Do you believe in long distance relationship? Where you are oceans apart and the only same thing you see are the skies. Where hours, days, months and years will pass that you are not together. The sun will rise and set without seeing each other. And the only thing you both depend on are your mobile phones for easy communication. The internet is your bridge for your long distance love affair. The pictures are the ones who tell stories about the recent happenings in both of your lives, it’s where you will wish for him/her to be there, to be with you. In other words, the only things you depend on are your love, trust and promises.

Probably, you are one of many people who will object, disagree and  will not support this love affair. Is it because the world is full of temptations? Is it because it’s hard to bet and gamble love because you don’t know if he/she is worthy of your trust? Or is it because you are afraid to believe and hope and in the end you’ll only get hurt? There are really many things people are afraid of. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of losing. Afraid of hoping on false hopes and believing in broken promises. That’s why long distance relationship is now slowly becoming a make-believe or so called only-in-the-movies-stuff. They don’t believe in it anymore. Is love not enough to fight temptation and can’t people be patient enough to wait? Is it not enough to give all your trust to the person you love? And most of all, is it not enough to keep your promises and serve as a cure to the loneliness, pain and suffering?

The world is made in balance. All things and all people were made with pairs. Happiness is paired with sadness. Comfort is paired with suffering. Winners are paired with losers. And I can say that our hearts also have a pair. It’s not literally the half of our heart because it beats as a whole. It’s just looking for someone to balance it. What if that person is far from you? Wouldn’t you try? Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to get hurt? Are you willing to believe and hope? Why don’t you try? For now, pain, loneliness and suffering is all you can feel. But the day will come when your hands can hold his/hers. The warmth of his/her embrace will be felt and the smiles on your faces will be seen again. And your heart will beat together with its pair. It’s because it’s better that you tried, and believed instead of giving up and neglecting your feelings.

So Long Goodbye

Nothing is constant in this world. Everything is changing. Even the little things. Day by day, we don’t notice but when we look back to the yesteryears, we will realize that everything has changed. People come and go. Today, they might be there to help you and support you, but on the next day, you’ll find them busy with their own lives and couldn’t even be bothered to talk to. People that you thought who were going to be at your side forever aren’t. You all have your own separate path to walk on. Sometimes, it happens that you’ll be talking to people that you’ve never thought and imagined you’d be speaking to and voila! You’ve made new friends. Life is always like this. We think of it sometimes as a joke and other times, we are taking it seriously. But look, it makes a little sense. The more we age and grow up, the less sense it will make. Life is really short to waste it on nonsense things. Life is full of mysteries. We can never tell what will happen tomorrow. It will just come and then we will just have to see. So make the most out of it now while we have all the time we needed before everything changes once again. Because, in the future, all of these are only gonna be thoughts and memories.

My Alter Ego

I’ve always felt happy and contented even without the things I thought I needed to feel complete. I’ve always been a strong girl. I’m flexible and driven. But I never thought that at some point, I would have this kind of feeling. As if I were covered by a gloomy atmosphere.

Why am I feeling emptiness at this moment? I feel so empty, dull and lonely. I feel so alone as if I;m not surrounded by my family and friends that I dearly love. But there is something inside of me, searching for that extraordinary feeling. It’s as though that something is sure and knows what it’s looking for and what it’s needing of.

I want to be loved.

I want to be taken care of.

I want to be important.

I want to feel special.

I want someone who can give me that.

All I Have Are These Silly Thoughts

It’s late and I’m still wide awake. Well, I have always been a late sleeper. I cannot say that I’m an insomniac but it’s just that I’m not used to sleeping early.

Nights like this, silent and of course, sleepless makes my mind think of things the most. It makes me think shit load of questions I don’t even know how or what to answer. It’s when a time like this makes me wonder and fantasize of stuff. It’s when a time like this that millions of ideas strike me and all I have to do is get a paper and a pen to start writing like what I’m doing now.  (After writing it, here I am typing all of it here) This time, LOVE hit me.

“So what do you do when you suddenly fall in love with a person but you realize that you’re not yet ready?” I always ask myself though I don’t really know how to answer it because that question is a matter between the heart and mind. My heart tells me that I’m ready for a new love and to open up again but my mind tells me I should not yet. My mind is tricky. It will make ways and think of negative possibilities that will scare my poor heart out. And that’s it, my mind wins.

Most of the time, I hate sleepless nights like this. I can’t sleep because of the questions that keep bugging my brain. “Why is it that every time I put myself out there, I always get hurt?” I wonder why. It’s another unanswered question. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that makes guys keep on hurting me, giving me false hopes and broken promises. Is it because I’m too nice to make them keep treating me that way? Or is it because I’m playing hard to get? I don’t really know. These are times when I think of the people I care the most and the people who care for me as well.  Why do the people who love you, care for you and trust you got to live so far?

Those random questions, they just pop out whenever they want. Part of these silly thoughts is fantasizing about stuff. Of course, I’m a girl and just like any other girls, I daydream too. Do you ever think about your soul mate? Mr. or Ms. Right? Or whatever you like to call it. Often times, I think about it. I think of when will I be able to finally meet him. I’m just excited to meet him though I know it will take me long years to meet him. I’m just curious of what he looks like, how tall is he, what his eye color does he have, or if we can get along very well.

It’s difficult for me to describe my thoughts at a certain time because I’m describing them with hind sights and I can always justify my actions. The truth is, I was always hopeless at knowing when I was in love because I was in love in the whole idea of being in love. I read romantic novels. I cried at chick-flicks. I loved the stolen shots in magazines of celebrity couples who were supposed to be in love even though I knew they would probably split up a few months later. There was a core of me which was a romantic idiot and it was much, much better for me to ignore that side of me completely.