The Butterfly In Me


To free yourself is far better than to be locked up in your own misery. That’s what I believe in.

I guess, regret will always really have to come late. Regret will never come before you make your decisions because if that was possible, people would really never learn their lessons from their mistakes because then, they would never feel the hurt and disappointment and all. Sometimes, I try to ask myself, “Why did I have to do this? Why did I have to do that? If only I knew this would happen then I never would have done it and be stuck in this situation right now.” I constantly search for answers but up to now, no answers are found. I always fail to find the answer deep inside me. I guess, it will always remain unanswered. Some people might say that it’s a choice to be made because nothing is really “unintentional”.

I have this problem where I pity myself, where I just cry myself at night feeling miserable, feeling sorry and feeling bad about myself. I’m not confident and I have a really low self-esteem. Like, if I would walk in the crowd, I would be slouching and bowing my head and would start walking awkwardly. Sometimes, when talking in front of many people, I tend to show my mannerisms in forms of swaying a bit while talking, or gazing in different directions, playing with the tip of my hair and it’s like I’m struggling to utter words. I just let people treat me like crap and make me feel like crap.

Problems in life can’t be avoided. Like, it’s just normal. But I’m different. I like to keep this image of a happy girl, smiling when she’s really struggling deep inside. I like keeping my problems to myself. Like, I would listen to my friends’ problems and try to give them the best advice I could ever give but the problem with me is that I don’t know how to share mine. My logic is that, I don’t want to be a burden to other people by sharing my crap to them because they are also dealing with their own crap. So I just tend to keep things to myself. At first I thought I could handle it like it was okay and it was working at first. But I felt the need to lie, and lie, and then lie again, then cover up and make dumb excuses which unconsciously, without me knowing, I was starting to hurt the only few people that truly loves me. I was scared to get hurt and to disappoint people but I didn’t know that I was already hurting them by doing this. I’m like a caterpillar inside a cocoon, just waiting for the time when to come out. I just like to keep my wall of defense, and build taller walls and keep the gates close because I feel safer inside while I let those people knock down my walls with crushed and bleeding fists. I never thought that they would get tired and eventually stop smashing and banging my walls. And that was the only time I woke up from reality.

So, it’s really true that you’ll never know the real value of the thing or a person that you’ve taken for granted until you’re about to lose them. It has been a wakeup call for me. That’s when I felt the need to beg for people to not leave me and promised them that I will change for the better, not only for them but most importantly for myself. Now, I’m ready to be myself and not pretend to be someone else. I will not let anyone influence me and dictate me about what I should do. I will start being brave and strong for the people that I love. I will destroy my wall of defenses and open the gates and build a bridge instead. I will not lie in order to not get hurt and disappointed because it’s a part of the lesson to be learned. Says the quote that I found in the internet, “Today, I am going to let my burdens go and I am going to have faith that things will get better. It’s going to be a long road but I will get there.”

Now, I can finally say that I’m free. I can now get out of this cocoon and fly freely like a beautiful butterfly.